Courtesy of
The Freeman Institute
"Dealing With People Who Drive You Crazy!"

What's the difference between God and a lawyer? 
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? 
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? 
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die. 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? 
A vampire only sucks blood at night. 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? 
A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points. 

What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture? 
Vultures can't take their wing tips off. 

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? 
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance? 
Japanese language lessons for lawyers. 

Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.

How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? 
Because after they die, they lie still. 

What is a criminal lawyer? 
Redundant. 

What are lawyers good for? 
They make used car salesmen look good.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? 
A Doberman pinscher.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested? 
An accomplice. 

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested? 
A lawyer.

What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? 
A good start.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure? 
The bucket. 

Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? 
From chasing parked ambulances.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? 
It might be your bicycle. 

Where can you find a good lawyer? 
In the city morgue.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? 
An offer you can't understand. 

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? 
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. 

Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks? 
Professional courtesy. 

What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")? 
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. 

What is the definition of a "crying shame"? 
When there was an empty seat.

How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? 
Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. 

How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford? 

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? 
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures. 

Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? 
New Jersey got first pick. 

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their newest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. 

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? 
They both look good hanging from a tree. 

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? 
It's called, Sosumi. 

How does an attorney sleep? 
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder 
company. 

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the Paper? 

What are lawyers good for? 
They make used car salesmen look good. 

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do? 
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. 

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? 
Not enough cement. 

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? 
Skeet. 

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? 
"Senator" 

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? 
"Your Honor." 

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? 
His partners. 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? 
The pronunciation. 

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? 
One is a bloodsucking parasite and the other is an insect. 

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? 
To practice. 

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? 
New Jersey got first choice. 

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. 

     
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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. 

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." 

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." 

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. 

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. 

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. 

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. 

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer." 
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A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for  everything."

"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." 

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked. 
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A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. 

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. 

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his  reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. 

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" 

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!" 
                **********************************************************
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. 

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." 

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: 

Legal Consultation Service: $150 
                  ***********************************************************
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion. 
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A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case. 
                       ***************************************************
Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer. 
                      ***************************************************
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won." 
                      ***************************************************
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."

One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country." 
                      ***************************************************
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?" 
                      ***************************************************
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.

Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: all of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place." 
                      ***************************************************
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" 

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone." 
                      ***************************************************
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing. 
                      ***************************************************
A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"

The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet." 
                      ***************************************************
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?", he asked.
                      ***************************************************
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor. 
                      ***************************************************
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." 

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four." 

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?" 
                      ***************************************************
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. 

The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. 

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges." 
                      ***************************************************
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. 

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
                      ***************************************************
A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.

The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
                      ***************************************************
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" 
                      ***************************************************
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."

"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!" 
                      ***************************************************
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours. 
                      ***************************************************
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.

"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
                      ***************************************************
A blizzard struck the law school town one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable. One law student who lived two miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of one.

Instead of taking his regular seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward the other student. 

"What's he talking about?" he whispered.

"How should I know?" came the reply. "I only got here five minutes before you did." 
                      ***************************************************
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:

"How much for Engineer brain?"

"3 dollars an ounce."

"How much for Doctor brain?"

"4 dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"100 dollars an ounce."

"100 dollars an ounce! Why is lawyer brain so expensive?"

"Do you have any idea how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brains?"
                      ***************************************************
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor." 

"That's wonderful. How about you, Sarah?" 

Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." 

"Thank you, Sarah," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" 

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse." 

The teacher was horrified and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and demanded an explanation. 

Billy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. But can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
                      ***************************************************
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" 

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
                      ***************************************************
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. 

"A shilling?" said the Justice, "It only takes shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go bury 20 of 'em!"
                      ***************************************************
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!" 
                      ***************************************************
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. 

"Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
                      ***************************************************
George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. 

George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?" 

The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". 

George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". 

That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
                      ***************************************************
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.

After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. 

The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. 

The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs. 
                      ***************************************************
I busted a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
                      ***************************************************
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Benjamin Franklin
                      ***************************************************
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. 

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. 

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'." 

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer. 

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
                             ***************************************************
A man and an alligator walked into a bar. "Do you serve lawyers here?", the man asked.

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." 
                      ***************************************************
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. 

"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. 

St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. 

The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get???" 

St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."

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"Dealing  With  People  Who  Drive  You  Crazy!"®
The Freeman Institute™ 1103 Burkhardt Lane, Severn, Maryland 21144
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Courtesy of The Freeman Institute