TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Courtesy of The Freeman
This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete
financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric
evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.
- NAME:_________________________________DATE OF
WEIGHT:____________ I.Q.__________ GPA____________
- HOME ADDRESS:____________________________________________________________
- Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?
_______ yes? _______ no?
- Number of years parents
- Do you own a van? _________
A truck with oversized tires? __________
A waterbed? _________ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly
(IF YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES)
- In 50 words or less, what does DO NOT TOUCH MY
DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU? _________________________________________________________________________
- In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
- In 50 words or less, what does
ABSTINENCE mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________
- Congregation you attend:_______________________________________________
How often do you attend?_________________________________________________
When would it the best time to interview your
father, mother, relatives, neighbors, minister/rabbi/priest, and past girlfriends?
(supply phone numbers)_____________________________________________
- What do you want to be IF you grow
ANSWER THESE SEMI-CONFIDENTIAL
BY FILLING IN THE BLANKS.
- "If I were shot, the last place on my body
I would want to be wounded is
- "If I were beaten, the last bone I would want
broken is my ______________
- "A womans place is in the
- "The one thing I hope this application does not
ask me about is _________ _________________________________________________________________________
- "When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice
about her is ______________ _________________________________________________________________________
(NOTE: If the answer to #E begins with
"T" or "A", discontinue and it is advised that you leave the premises
right now keeping your head low and running
in a serpentine fashion.)
I SWEAR THAT
ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE, UNDER THE PENALTY OF A SLOW DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
SOLDIER ANT TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS DRIPPING WATER TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, AND THE JANET
RENO KISS TORTURE.
____________________________________________SIGNATURE (That means your name, moron!)
you for your interest in my daughter. Please allow four to six years for processing.
Dont call us, well call you. You will be contacted in writing if you are
approved. Do not try to call or write (since you probably cant, anyway). Any attempt
to make contact might cause you injury. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen
with violin cases and cement shoes will notify you one size fits all.
NOTE: A copy of this application was given to me
by a waitress (can't remember her name) at a restaurant
(can't remember it either) in
Nashville. I merely added and deleted a few things.