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STEPHEN  WRIGHT'S  DEADPAN  HUMOR

Courtesy of The Freeman Institute

"Dealing  With  People  Who  Drive  You  Crazy!"®
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Here are some Stephen Wright quotes:

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." 

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
 
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

So, what's the speed of dark?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?


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If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

 


Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
 
Half the people you know are below average.
 
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
 
Why do psychics have to ask you for your  name?
 
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.
 
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
   
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
 
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong  lane.
 
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy!  
 
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
 
I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
 
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
 
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


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My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn  louder."

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
 
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
 
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
 
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?


If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?


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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen. 

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. 

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out... 

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing... 

I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out".... 

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? 

I invented the cordless extension cord 

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. 

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it' 

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. 

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you? 

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. 

I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car... 

I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone. 

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller. 

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. 

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. 

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. 

Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen. 

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'. 

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." 

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. 

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. 

What's another word for Thesaurus? 

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" 

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. 

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." 

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". 

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. 

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. 

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. 

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. 

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." 

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." 

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. 

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. 

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. 

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. 

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." 
 
So, do you live around here often? 

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. 

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. 

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? 

On the other hand, you have different fingers... 

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. 

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." 

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. 

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air... 

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy... 

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. 

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. 

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. 

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go." 

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short... 

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. 

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish. 

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious! 

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." 

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. 

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it... 

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing. 

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. 

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. 

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. 

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. 

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? 

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from  Poland  are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland  called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea , does that mean that one enjoys it?

 

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