Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to
have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak?
I'd kill for a
Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me
before we met.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
The Freeman Institute
Black History Collection
My mechanic told
me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness
of the bread
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is
required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know
the battery's dead?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already
finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds
fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the
universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving
backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see
it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are
in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is
open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but
always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then
what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
What do little birdies see when they get knocked
|Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Own a full-size, 3D
Rosetta Stone replica
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it
just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she
told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why
are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...
the study of milkmen.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I
put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came
back the entire area was missing...
I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do
anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off....
One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France....
She said "Cut it out"....
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land
on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of
a cat and drop it?
I invented the cordless extension cord
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There
was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I
hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a
raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going
so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called
an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas
to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and
smile for a satellite picture.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my
bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.
When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When
he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
he didn't obey.
I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his
friends went to the funeral in one car...
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I
called information. She said they were behind the couch. She
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how
much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the
speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh,
that's OK, I'm not going that far.'.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because
that means it's going to be up all night.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I
had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They
said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign
that said "compact cars".
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence
ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to
be hot today."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they
had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last
night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's
asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what
it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio
and I say, "I think I might have written that."
|So, do you live around here often?
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
On the other hand, you have different fingers...
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got
anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need,
and I say, "Extra medium."
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy
subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and
then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only
slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle
in the air...
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now
it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes
so later I can ask him what he meant.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on
purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it
[moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]...
and says "Here, you can go."
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back
in 1912... well, to make a long story short...
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and
to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in
a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned
it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day
I could only stutter in Spanish.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who
live above me are furious!
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He
said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said
"Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of
sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the
world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it
wasn't doing what I was doing.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any
time". So I ordered French Toast during the
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't
really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun
to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of
Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's
my mother going to do?
If you take an Oriental
person and spin him around several times, does he become
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese
mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of
criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do,
write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they
deliver the mail?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on
those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER
, does that mean that one