From Senior Citizens
[Large Print Edition]
The Freeman Institute
"Dealing With People Who Drive You Crazy!"
1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.
|15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
17. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
20. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
21. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.
22. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
23. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
24. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (He hates that).
25. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
26.When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play
27. If you are living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.
28. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.
29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
30. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
32. Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
33. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
PERKS TO BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. You can't remember who sent you to this particular web page.
On Getting Old
You know you’re getting old…
…when you feel like it’s the morning after, and you didn’t go anywhere the night
…when you look forward to a dull evening.
…when a little old lady helps you across the street, and it’s your wife.
…when you get winded playing chess.
…when you sink your teeth into a thick steak, and they stay there.
…when everything that doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
…when the gleam in your eyes is the sun hitting your bifocals.
…when your children are older than you re-member your parents being when you
…when your mind makes contracts that your body can’t keep.
…when you finally know all the answers, and no-body’s asking you any questions.
…when the favorite part of the newspaper is the section under the heading “25 years
…when you sit down in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
…when your knees buckle but your belt won’t.
…when your back goes out more often than you do.
…when you get excited and your pacemaker makes the garage door go up.
…when your house is too big, and the medicine cabinet is too small.
…when you wake up and realize that the best part of the day is over.
…when you figure that if God wanted you to touch your toes, He would have put
them on your knees.
…when your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you say, “Honey,
we can’t do both.”
…when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you’re not
A group of senior citizens were talking at the breakfast table in a Palm Springs nursing home.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in
"My blood pressure pills makes me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
to see some more funny stuff?
With People Who Drive You Crazy!"®
1103 Burkhardt Lane, Severn, Maryland 21144
TEL 410-729-4011 FAX 410-729-0353
Courtesy of The Freeman Institute